guilt

and let me hurt someone I need to cause pain
I need to cause heartache to try and feel the guilt
let me see you suffer, love
tell me I caused those tears
can I really make you cry
make you ache make you feel
I long for the guilt
long for feeling anything
so darling make me cross that line, let me break you down
just give me a reason
to feel how disgustingly cruel
I really am

don't you look

don't you look
don't you fucking touch

under my skin, crawling
don't you fucking touch me talk to me leave me
rip my throat
no darling, kiss my neck, slit my throat
hands on my body my skin
my mind my mind my sick sick...
under my disgusting skin, inside and everywhere
filthy and useless, just the way you like me
just the way you love to hate me
the way you'll finally finally leave me

If I Was

if I was someone you could love
if I was someone you could care for
or simply touch or hold for a bit
a moment of closeness a second of
a break
something to
pretend with

just, give me something to work with
here, give me something to over-analyze
ask me out
to blow me off, call
and hang up on me
tell me, you love me want me need me
only to take it back – hurt me
come on, try and hurt me as bad as you can
you think you can make me cry?
you think you can cause real pain, let's see it
let's hear it come on show me fucking please

If I wasn't such a joke you'd kiss me fuck me hurt me
boy would I be happy then,
god would I be blessed
if I was someone you could touch
simply, imagine to be hurt by you...

Yours

icky
like semi-dried paper glue on my back
glue since I was pinned to the wall
since I fell down, broken boned and hearted
skin, dry and icky
hands pierced
like no fucking stigmatic
no saviour no hero, nothing at all courageous
like a bloody mess a stain on your carpet
a stain a pool an empty nothing for you to play with

as simple as that, eh?
simple as nails through my shoulder blades
blue tack in my hair
scotch tape, pins, however you'd like to see me
whatever your game is today
the simplicity of it remains

'cause as long as I've got glue on my back
my skin
as long as I can be attached, as you can choose wherever, however
as long as I'm here I'm yours
and I'm yours,
right now and maybe always and I'm yours
and I'm fucking fucking only yours so come take me
come, take me like this

dry, icky, broken and so fucking insanely yours

Too kind

so you ask tell beg me to hug you
to touch you give you comfort and I hate to be the deceitful one
loath to be grossed out by you
'cause
your love your sweetness
should be adorable and I should be grateful
fucking grateful, this doesn't happen to me
fucking grateful and so damn pleased
but your sweet loveliness grosses me out
gentle touch makes me
ache hurt want to die, a little bit
a second
a grimace an unkind word, perhaps
a disappointing grin that should have been a smile
I wish
I could love you
or care
I wish
I could just be
kind

All I've got

all i've got, one day
i'll let you dig make you dig
my disgust my guilt, my sick sick mind
wrap you in
us together in sickness and health
choke together, let you suffer with me
together in pain and heartache
my heartache
is nothing until it touches you
my dreams my fantasies
need to be lived by you
hate me punish me hate me
be disgusted
disgusted or indifferent
torture me
torture me make me hurt
make you come make me hurt
this isn't pain isn't suffering
isn't at all until you know
until you feel
my life
until you touch me
one day i'll tell you everything
one day i'll make it yours
my disgust my cruelty my absurd reality
touch me hurt me
one day, this time
at least this time you'll never forget