Restlessness

rastlösheten är enorm och galen
jag knäcker naglar och knogar, jag
traskar upp och ner, är upp och ner, hoppar
hoppas på lugn lugn lugn & ro, eller
ett slut på
väntan/ängslan/ältande
och jag ältar
tre-fyra tankar i mitt huvud om
och om igen
(time and time and time again)
knäcker bräcker..
bräckligheten är för stor, för riskfylld, för
rastlös
rastlösheten
trasselheten/knasheten/trasigheten/nej
sammanhållning, kroppshållning, kropp
utlopp för
lugn & ro i överflöd, överskottsenergi
energin/tröttheten/slutheten i ett
är ett
ett jag ett nu ett rastlöst jävla trassel
etc., så,
väntar/ängslar och gror
nytt
nytt lugn, ny rastlöshet
nytt varv
nytt varv/igen/nytt varv/igen/igen/och
knäcker
knogar och klor, ben och kropp
hakar upp mig och
ängslar det enorma i bräckligheten
igen

Might as well

Sometimes I hold my breath to catch up, to
make it up to you, I
hold my breath my thoughts I hold on
hold on to me, you know
sometimes once in a while I catch myself holding on
to you, my breath for you

Sometimes I think that for you I can stay and love and go and love and care and
I don't
care for and/or about you, I don't
mind being away from you, not having you, I
can't, hold on or
let you hold on to
me, so
let it go, breath out, let me go, go on
catch up with
someone else, entirely
something else, entirely, I
sometimes once in a while will look back but
not for you, not for us, I'll
let my breath go and
catch up with it/myself on the way home

Sometimes I do, love
sometimes I care, but
not today/not for you/this
is
not
it.
(This is not it.)

I just wanna hurt someone and it might as well be you.

Jacob

when you're gone we'll
kiss your face and
pray for you even though we've never prayed before
cry,
like we never did in your presence
after you go
we'll love you and
we'll cry with anger 'cause of
the things you did, how
you ruined your life and
ours
for a bit, how
you screwed everything up and
left us all alone
went and
left us all a-fucking-lone

when you go we won't be surprised
it's always sudden and
we'll be shocked but
hardly surprised and we'll say fuck you
damn you, you fucker, for
screwing life like this, we'll
love you and
pray for you even though
we never ever prayed before and probably
never believed in god or heaven but
we'll tell each other that's where you are, we'll
cry and look at the sky and say
there's him
there's you and we'll miss you
so fucking much
and you have no idea
how much
we'll blame ourselves
when you're gone

so don't you fucking die on us
don't you fucking leave

Bit

after days, weeks
weeks of yearning, burning and
simply wanting to die
after hours hours hours of
nothingness and counting all those
fucking hours
every day
after time oh so much time I
actually did pick those
scattered fucking pieces of me
of the floor
and slowly
the brokenness mended
a lil bit
a lil bit

Let go

thanks to heartache
thanks to fucking heartache and despair
thanks to you and me and
all our shitty behaviour
everything we caused each other
everything we did together everything
(we said it was, everything)
thanks to that,
to everything and more
you me, all our cruelty
all our lies – god bless them
sweet lord
god bless the way we made me suffer
you go crazy
and us fall a-fucking-part
thanks to this
yeah all this and so much more
thanks to this
now here
I'm letting you go

guilt

and let me hurt someone I need to cause pain
I need to cause heartache to try and feel the guilt
let me see you suffer, love
tell me I caused those tears
can I really make you cry
make you ache make you feel
I long for the guilt
long for feeling anything
so darling make me cross that line, let me break you down
just give me a reason
to feel how disgustingly cruel
I really am

don't you look

don't you look
don't you fucking touch

under my skin, crawling
don't you fucking touch me talk to me leave me
rip my throat
no darling, kiss my neck, slit my throat
hands on my body my skin
my mind my mind my sick sick...
under my disgusting skin, inside and everywhere
filthy and useless, just the way you like me
just the way you love to hate me
the way you'll finally finally leave me

If I Was

if I was someone you could love
if I was someone you could care for
or simply touch or hold for a bit
a moment of closeness a second of
a break
something to
pretend with

just, give me something to work with
here, give me something to over-analyze
ask me out
to blow me off, call
and hang up on me
tell me, you love me want me need me
only to take it back – hurt me
come on, try and hurt me as bad as you can
you think you can make me cry?
you think you can cause real pain, let's see it
let's hear it come on show me fucking please

If I wasn't such a joke you'd kiss me fuck me hurt me
boy would I be happy then,
god would I be blessed
if I was someone you could touch
simply, imagine to be hurt by you...

Yours

icky
like semi-dried paper glue on my back
glue since I was pinned to the wall
since I fell down, broken boned and hearted
skin, dry and icky
hands pierced
like no fucking stigmatic
no saviour no hero, nothing at all courageous
like a bloody mess a stain on your carpet
a stain a pool an empty nothing for you to play with

as simple as that, eh?
simple as nails through my shoulder blades
blue tack in my hair
scotch tape, pins, however you'd like to see me
whatever your game is today
the simplicity of it remains

'cause as long as I've got glue on my back
my skin
as long as I can be attached, as you can choose wherever, however
as long as I'm here I'm yours
and I'm yours,
right now and maybe always and I'm yours
and I'm fucking fucking only yours so come take me
come, take me like this

dry, icky, broken and so fucking insanely yours

Too kind

so you ask tell beg me to hug you
to touch you give you comfort and I hate to be the deceitful one
loath to be grossed out by you
'cause
your love your sweetness
should be adorable and I should be grateful
fucking grateful, this doesn't happen to me
fucking grateful and so damn pleased
but your sweet loveliness grosses me out
gentle touch makes me
ache hurt want to die, a little bit
a second
a grimace an unkind word, perhaps
a disappointing grin that should have been a smile
I wish
I could love you
or care
I wish
I could just be
kind

All I've got

all i've got, one day
i'll let you dig make you dig
my disgust my guilt, my sick sick mind
wrap you in
us together in sickness and health
choke together, let you suffer with me
together in pain and heartache
my heartache
is nothing until it touches you
my dreams my fantasies
need to be lived by you
hate me punish me hate me
be disgusted
disgusted or indifferent
torture me
torture me make me hurt
make you come make me hurt
this isn't pain isn't suffering
isn't at all until you know
until you feel
my life
until you touch me
one day i'll tell you everything
one day i'll make it yours
my disgust my cruelty my absurd reality
touch me hurt me
one day, this time
at least this time you'll never forget

Done

love,
your touch
your touch
your touch repulsive
our kiss
our sweet sweet kiss
a disgrace
your words a fucking migrane
fucking headache to my mind
my mind my mind my sick sick mind
my body
fuck me senseless
screw me up,
against a wall I'm nothing
pinned
a disturbing flower on your wallpaper
mismatches disgust us
and I'm a nothing, in your corner
I'm a nothing so you'll leave
please please ask me to leave
fuck me up, leave me hanging
attached to the wall
leave me disgusting
my mind my mind my sick sick
and
shut up, don't touch
don't speak
your sweet words, don't speak
don't touch
fuck me up,
leave me disgusted and done

Sometimes

sometimes
when my words have scared the hell out of me
when i hate your guts my guts and
my mind's playing tricks again
on me
I take my body my mind
I place my body my arms my legs
my body my mind my sick sick mind
sometimes I take off all my clothes
sometimes I place my naked body in front of a mirror
see myself in all my disgust
all my sickening features my decay
sometimes I take my body
sometimes I take my mind
sometimes I play tricks again
on me,
my love
my sick sick love

Love

love,
look at me
fuck me up don't touch me
screw me up leave me be
leave me be and hit me hard
violate my body my mind
my mind my mind my sick sick mind
violate my person kiss me hard
fuck me hard don't you fucking touch me
hate me
leave me disgusted
and done

vägg

så när jag hänger där på väggen
en spik genom varje skulderblad
plåster på tån och eltejp över munnen

när jag hänger odinglande och stel
matt och tung
livlöst ogenomskinlig
– säger du att nu nu nu
nu är det tid
tid och dags och jag vill ingenting
men beröring feels nice efter dagar hängandes
inte som spegel längre
ingen dekoration
då säger du nu nu nu kom för fan
för fan slit mig ner gör vad som helst
kasta mig runt lite gör vad du vill
rör mig olivlöst och låt mig låtsas att jag är spännande
låtsas att jag är spännande och gör vad fan du vill

nu nu nu för fan
gör vad du vill och häng upp mig igen,
spikar lite här och där
det känns inte längre
märks inget allt, efter
vad du vill
fan
på väggen igen
fan
bort med plåstret fort
för fan

me

don't show her how crazy you are

don't show her how boring you are

show her your pink earrings
    your dvds
half of your geekiness but not so much of your vulnerability
hide your hands, show off your semi-pretty shoes
    be epo
drink water, send cute postcards
straighten your hair, don't wear lipstick
    be epo
don't cry at the movies but laugh about almost crying
wear glasses, shave your armpits but don't pluck your eyebrows, be an epo
pretend to be Mac, where a hat, rarely gloves – talk to much if you pretend to be Willow
don't get too drunk don't kiss boys be epo
don't try to be adorable but be adorable
don't try to be cool but be relaxed
    be epo be epo be epo

d o n ' t     f u c k     u p

don't act paranoid
    (but trust your paranoia)

pretend not to be fat, don't act thin – don't depend

don't fuck epo up, don't fuck up epo, be epo

armbågar

du rör försiktigt mina armbågar
skulderblad
(huden knottrar sig)
som för att visa på närvaron och faktumet att vi kan röra
och jag tar tag i dina vingar
breder ut dem och förklarar att jag inte kan flyga
med dig
men kanske vill du ha mig i alla fall?




vi andas i samma rum
vi delar på luft och andetag
sträck ut armarna då
sprid ut dig
vi snuddar varandra
och beröring är något nytt och oväntat
något som bryter tystnaden

can I see sparkles in your eyes?

för jag kommer aldrig att vara vacker
och kanske är det okej
att aldrig få höra de orden,
men jag får röra din rygg och vara ditt avstamp
innan du lämnar för världen, och

jag får beundra din skönhet från
runt hörnet

död

stilla
allt blåser igenom mig och kroppen blir konturlös
har tappat form och färg,
låt vara sådan tunnhet
låt vara sjaskigt och grått

sådär genomskinlig
som en drunkad
urvattnad
när huden faller av

min hud faller av,
sakta men i stora sjok
ömsar
med skelett och inälvor

vi låter mig vara kvar
till slutet
tills sjukdomar gått över till död och förruttnelse,
det är sådant vi helst inte talar om
sådant vi inte talar om i ljus
inte drömmer om om natten

jag nuddar inte vid din död och vi lämnar det så
här, oavklarat

Rip My Heart

När kroppen är tömd och urgröpt och kall
står du kvar intill och glor
spärrar ögon i det flugor och maskar snart ska angripa
Jo, här ligger jag, här ligger mina remains
skär sig färgerna?
Torkat blod och hudflagor
Med foten petar du mig i sidan
som för att se
är jag verkligen slut,
stannade hjärtat före eller efter du försiktigt klippte ut det?
Skarpa blad och snabba jack,
snabba hack och litet ryck
Så, klart
snipp snapp
nu kan vi gå i säng och ruttna tillsammans
I saw my first angel and it was you